aerodynamic | INBOX for purgastory

[ "where he wants" makes him feel like he'll sound like a little kid, so he shelves that for a second to focus on this place. he will get to the crux of it soon enough. ]

Yes, ma'am. [ haha. ] But I'm curious how this place came to be yours.

It happened... nearly three years ago. [ A slight shrug. ]

It just appeared one day and I was told it was born out of my feelings. That they'd grown powerful enough to make a SEKAI.

Even one as empty as this. [ She's aware. ]

[ based on her memory from before and also just gauging they're close enough in age, he can guesstimate when this SEKAI showed up. he's glad she is aware but boy howdy does this tell him something about her feelings if this is still how it looks three years later. ]

It's... sort of cool to think of it like having something for yourself nobody else does. [ tentatively. ] But on the other hand, it sounds like it could've been confusing at first, too. Guess you got used to it?

[ this adds up to what tsukasa told him about his, so this seems right. he does not want to ask about hatsune miku, he already learned now not to offer more than she says because it's a secret thing. though... he chews his bottom lip in thought because this sort of relates to something else on his mind. ]

If they're your feelings it must always be here. But have you ever... not been able to come here?

[ Yeah, he should not ask about Hatsune Miku. Or why it looks like this after three years. It's fine. She's fine. ]

... Once. When my laptop was taken away and my phone was broken.

[ And she'd lost her avenue into her own space. ]

[ IS SHE.

it's probably good that emotionshare hasn't quite started yet or she'd be bassboosted with yosuke's frustration at her mother. ]

... how'd you deal? [ it's hard to picture really functioning when a part of you is suddenly cut off like that. ]

I...

[ ... ]

Some of my friends... were able to reach out to me. If it wasn't for them, I think I would have broken.

[ mm. ah, yes, the relatable content. ]

The ones you make music with? [ they sound important. ] I'm glad. That they were able to reach you, I mean. Those connections are more important than anything to keep you going.

Them... but the ones I'm mentioning came from this place. They were born to help me realize my feelings.

[ Kaito really did love to bitch-- ]

[ this raises even more questions? ]

So like... what are they? Or, I guess, who? If they're from here but this place exists because of your feelings, are they a different part of you?

They're Virtual Singers. They didn't all show up at the same time, but you could say they represent different parts of me, here to help me understand. I consider them their own people.

[ She lifts an eyebrow. ]

We're talking quite a bit about me, Hanamura-san.

[ huh. he still has more questions about this actually but then she rightfully calls him out and he jumps a little. right. he's trying not to traumadump on this girl but he can also see her point. ]

Is it so bad I want to learn more about you, Asahina-san? [ just pointing that out as a weak defense. ]

... I guess I was asking because that's one of the things I keep coming back to. How easily that world could take away our whole identity to make us somebody else and separate us from the things that are specifically ours.

[ She doesn't bother to address that. It's fine. ]

... That's a very frightening prospect. And you wouldn't realize how horrifying it is until you regain your identity.

[ She exhales. ]

Are you feeling like you're not yourself right now?

[ yosuke will remember this...

for now, he is in fact focused on this frightening prospect. ]

Exactly. Things started to come through the further up the mountain we went, but it was so easy to forget them or not even think about them at all. We forgot everything until we got to the summit.

[ and here he stops, looking off at a point in the distance because this is going to sound insane, he thinks. ]

... there's something missing. And I don't know how, or how to get it back.

Something missing...

[ Hm. ]

Does everyone else you were with also feel this way?

I don't know. I haven't asked. But... it wouldn't be the same for them, I already know that. [ how to explain. ] Um. Like... a part of me is missing?

... Ah.

[ HMMMMMMMMMM. ]

But you didn't feel that way as you started remembering things? Did you have the same feeling as soon as you came back to us?

We didn't remember enough at the time for it to be something to think about. [ and more than that... ]

It's more like something that I only notice I'm missing because it's not there, but it's not always something I think about because I know it's always with me. It didn't start being noticeable until a little after we got back.

So, in other words...

... Some aspect of yourself is missing and you're not sure what it is, but because you've always had it, you're sensing a loss nonetheless.

[ ... Interesting. ]

I could try to help you narrow it down, but I might not be of much help.

[ there's a slow nod. a steady, even breath. something to try and clear his head and regain some semblance of calm while he thinks. ]

I think I know what it is, but it's the "how" that I'm lost on. [ ... ] How do you lose something that's kind of a huge part of who you are?

[ this is maybe rhetorical, but also he thinks maybe trying to talk through it will give him some idea? especially the longer he sits inside a place that is basically herself. ]

There are a few ways for that to happen.

[ Speaking as someone who's lost her true feelings. ]

Can I ask what it is you lost, then?

[ how to explain... ]

Call it a physical manifestation of my own feelings. [ since she just explained a bit about the virtual singers, he thinks keeping this a little vague might help the point get across. ] Usually I can feel it, but I can't anymore.

... [ Interesting. ]

Can you walk me through what you did, immediately after coming back? No matter how minute the details.

Woke up in a morgue, apparently. [ dryly. ] Um... we tried regrouping with everybody and I left. I was heading back to the cat house and... the river was there, and walking was a pain, so I stopped. Dahut found me a little while later and he made a harness just in case. [ this sounds deranged out of context, wait. ]

I don't know. It suddenly felt like the river would fix everything, so we tested it out. And it did a pretty good job. [ gestures to his non-broken bones and healed wounds aside from his hand. ] But everything still kinda felt like a lot so I went to the library and then you showed up.

[ Okay. She's thinking through this.

He came back. They regrouped. He was going back to the house. The river. Dahut spoke to him and something about a harness?

... And a feeling the river would fix everything, which was apparently true. And now he feels like this. ]

Do you remember feeling this loss before you used the river?

I don't really know what I was feeling before then. Everything was... confusing. [ disorienting, because they're just come back and in that other world, he didn't even remember the connection he was supposed to have. ]

But if I didn't notice, then... probably not?

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